The Toxic Gossip Train

I had lunch at the home of a new friend the other day— I say a new friend because that’s the best way to describe our friendship. We met just a few years ago and when a text is sent or a phone call is made, we put plans into motion to be together. We have much in common: our age, our interest in studying the Bible, our efforts in maintaining a healthy body and mind, and the value of connecting and staying connected with family. We simply enjoy being with one another!

As our afternoon unfolded over salad and biscuits, and strawberry shortcake and tea, our conversation took on a more serious tone—once we got past bragging about our grandchildren and great grandchildren! The topic of judging or criticizing came front and centre—not sure how, it just did—and I found it very interesting that a portion of my morning devotions the day before had focused on that very topic. Perhaps I was still mulling over what I had read that made it easy to converse about it. Perhaps it was the realization that I was safe in our friendship that honesty prevailed and I humbly admitted there were times when I found myself judging. That’s a hard nut to swallow…admitting one’s guilt on such a topic. But being honest with oneself is the beginning of understanding the error of one’s ways, and it would have been self-righteous of me to assume myself innocent of such unkindness. Even so, we both agreed that it’s all too easy to fall into the trap of judging, and that expressing compassion takes effort that often requires us to step out of our comfort zone, let go of our pride, and acknowledge our own flaws.

Judging. Criticizing. Gossiping. All are destructive in any situation, and yet how often have we found ourselves doing that very thing—or am I alone in this? When such behaviour comes knocking on our door, how do we respond? Do we justify our criticism? When we come face to face with the Toxic Gossip Train, do we get on board or do we let the train go on without us? And what about our thoughts? When we judge in thought only, do we fluff it off, rationalizing that since such thoughts are not shared, no harm was done? And when we are faced with the concept that we are what we think, what we say, and how we act, do we justify our thoughts, words and actions with, “I’m only human, I’m not perfect”?

As we shared our convictions and concerns of how damaging judging and criticizing others can be, we both remembered the familiar quote, “Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.” We agreed that it was a great reminder to practice empathy, to not pass judgement on someone when we have little to no understanding of his/her challenges, financial or personal limitations, or, unbeknown to us, that the person being criticized or judged may be having a distressing day and carrying a heavy burden.

“Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults—
unless, of course, you want the same treatment.
Don’t condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang.
Be easy on people; you’ll find life a lot easier.”
Luke 6:37, The Message

In My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers states that “criticism is a part of the ordinary faculty of [human beings]” and encourages…no, actually, he boldly states that we must “stop having a measuring rod for other people.” From a spiritual perspective he goes on further and states that, “It is impossible to enter into communion with God when you are in a critical temper; it makes you hard and vindictive and cruel….” Further on this subject, Charles Spurgeon suggests that, “You may know very well what a man or woman is by what they say of others… They who speak with an ill tongue about their neighbour have ill hearts. Their speech betrays their heart. It is a gauge of character that very seldom will deceive you.”

As we finished our second cup of tea, my friend and I came to the conclusion that because it is easy to criticize, we must always be on our guard on what we say, being very careful how we use our words, refusing to be part of the Toxic Gossip Train, and making sincere effort to curtail such unkindness. Even what we think privately can overflow into our actions, and we must make every effort to reserve judgement to our own actions instead of sharing an ungracious opinion about someone else’s behaviour. Being honest in what we say, speaking the truth in love, and being kind and compassionate will go a long way in repairing the damage of unkind gossip and criticism. And as an after thought: A person thrives under the warm words of encouragement and withers in the heat of judgement.